Poof
by shelaweena
Summary: Someone is being nosy! After seeing that Max could be hung from a tree and tortured, I realized that my idea was not so farfetched.
1. Default Chapter

Here's a silly little story I've had on my mind for a while now. After seeing that Max could be hung from a tree and tortured, I realized that my idea was not so far-fetched. Thank you to kat and jenna for all your support!

Title: Poof

Author: Diamondkitten, (aka. shelaweena)

Disclaimer: No, Kyle and Michael aren't mine...damn it! Don't sue me!

Spoilers: Tess is not bad. She did sleep with Max, but didn't get preggers. She and Liz are friends now. There's no Special Unit, no nasty Nasado, no boring-ass Jesse, and sweet Alex is not, not, NOT dead! Oh, and you might notice that Maria is not even mentioned...let's just say that I couldn't care less about the character, and totally forgot to inclued her. So, for the sake of time, we'll just say she left for New York and never came back. This _is_ my world after all!

Those of you who know me, know, I believe that Max is totally full of himself, and is definitely a little crazy, probably even has a running diatribe with himself in his head, and we all know that he's an egotistical ass! So…beware Max lovers…although I'm sure there can't be too many of them on PA.

* * *

**It wasn't supposed to happen this way. Things were supposed to have been done that were not. I am almost wholly to blame. We're attending the memorial of one of our own today. **

**Some have regrets. Most have none. There were things that should have been said that never will be, but such is life. You're born, you die, and if you're lucky, you live a little in-between. I can't fault them for living. I would be a hypocrite, because that's what I was doing…living…while I was supposed to be keeping watch. **

**What am I talking about, you ask? Well, let me take you back about 72 hours ago. That day, everything shifted in our little miss-matched group. I am Tess Harding, and this is how our lives changed forever… **

_After a day of fruitless searching for his one and only true love, Liz Parker, our 'fearless leader' decided to give up for a time. The fact that he could not find his ladylove, had him somewhat concerned, but in no way, could he deflate his ego enough to think that she was avoiding his stalker-like tendencies. After all, she was his soul mate. Of course, he had every intention of retuning to his quest soon, however, this was not the time to think of such things – a 'king' must have sustenance after all, and there was a HungryMan in the freezer with his name on it. _

_Our dear Maxwell Evans, re-incarnated, King extraordinaire of Antar, was prepared to barge into the apartment he had previously commandeered from his, 'faithful Second in Command,' one devastatingly handsome Michael Guerin. As his fingers closed on the door-knob, the lilting sound of his beloved's laugh, followed by a low rumbling chuckle, that could only belong to Michael, reached his enormous floppy ears. Not understanding why his beautiful Liz would be laughing with Michael, who she didn't even like, Max's interests were piqued. Deciding to make use of his aforementioned, unusually large ears, he decided to let the nosy little old woman, he held deep inside himself, out, and pressed his monstrous appendage to the door. _

"God Liz, that…was amazing!" Michael said, panting.

Breathlessly, Liz sighed, "You can say that again."

_Wait a second…panting…breathlessly? Max wondered. Why would…?_

"Honestly Parker, I feel like a new man," Michael responded in wonder.

Giggling, Liz countered, "Well, you just needed the right woman to release your…hidden potential."

_There was a lull in the conversation and due to the super-sonic hearing abilities of our dear King Butt-munch, in addition to the sound of a butterfly beating its wings eight feet away; he could also detect the sound of cloth rustling inside the apartment. Deducing that it must be clothing, Max couldn't help but be curious, and a little disturbed._  
_Why would my beautiful Liz be changing clothes at Michaels'? Unless…has she finally decided to give herself to me…body and soul? Grinning madly he thought, I could delve into her innermost being, that… His attention was diverted again, as the conversation picked up inside._

"Now Michael, just because you performed so amazingly this time, don't expect me to go easy on you the next," Liz said, her voice dropping seductively.

_Eyes widening comically, 'His Excellency' thought, Wait a second. Why is Michael still in the room if she's undressing for me? He pressed his enormous ear to the door again_

"I've never been one to take the easy way out." Michael intoned.

Slyly Liz said, "Good, Guerin, because next time, we'll go longer and faster, then harder and deeper…much deeper. In fact, I think we've only just scratched the surface here Michael."

Michael's voice was gravely again. "You've got me hooked Parker."

Laughing now, "Well, let's just be thankful for your…alien constitution," Liz bubbled.

_Max's mind was racing. Surely they're talking about pilates or yoga, maybe deep muscle relaxation therapy…yeah, Liz is into that kind of stuff. I think Michael just needed some…stress relief…yeah…to gain more control of his powers. There's no other reason for this conversation to be taking place. My beautiful, wonderful, sweet Liz, her heart beats only for me…because of me. We're soul mates…I love…_

**Let me jump in here. Dumbo…er…Max should never have gotten to the door. We were supposed to intercept him. At this point he had already heard way too much. **

**If I had been paying more attention, I would have seen the signs then. If I had been watching our fearless leader, standing outside with his elephantine ears pressed against the apartment door, I would have noticed our 'Great King,' our 'El Presidenté,' (as my pseudo brother likes to refer to him), shaking his head furiously. If I had been in a position to look closer, I would have seen that twitch causing his right eye to blink uncontrollably. Unfortunately, I was otherwise occupied. whispers Who would have thought Alex could do such amazing things with his tongue? hack But I digress. **

**We should get back to the story I suppose, where were we…oh yes…shaking of the head, twitching of the eye. Wonder what was being said inside to produce such a reaction…?**


	2. Chapter 2

"It's funny, I don't think I could ever get enough of this Liz," said Michael.

Liz was giggling again. "So you're addicted already, huh?"

"You bet your cute little buns!" Michael growled.

Max was becoming increasingly more worried and angry by the second. _Wait, was that a growl? Why would Michael be talking about my beloved's buns? How does he know they're cute? What…_ His thoughts were cut off by a shriek from Liz.

"Oh Michael! I'm so glad to hear you say that! There are so many ways! Possiblities! We could go so far. The positions are endless!

There was another growl from Michael. "Hmm…why don't you show me some of those…positions…now, Liz?"

With a little moan escaping her mouth, she replied, "Sounds…good to me…very…very good Michael."

At this, our most high and exalted 'leader' became extraordinarily angry. I was still otherwise occupied, so I didn't see the energy ball forming in his hand. He was ready to break down the door and stop whatever was going on in there. Imagine my displeasure when I found out later, what he was thinking…

_Tess must be mind-warping Liz again! _he thought frantically. _There's no way she would go for Michael of all people! And Michael! I can't believe he would take advantage of my pure, unblemished, untainted, spotless Liz! I have to stop this before it gets out of hand!_

Now…had I been watching, I would have seen Max take a step forward and trip over his gargantuan feet, (Which might I add, are only proportionate to his big floppy ears - Soooo unlike other parts of his anatomy – but that's another story. Believe me, Liz didn't miss much!). Anyway, as he fell, he dislodged the aforementioned energy ball that he held in his hand, and zapped himself into unconsciousness.

By the time the sunset, Alex and I were just beginning to stir, in the backseat of his dad's Lincoln. I was aware of nothing outside of his arms. He began to thoroughly ravish my mouth with his own, and time stood still. All thoughts of our 'King' went out the window…again.

The first thing Max realized, was that his head hurt, and so did his neck…and backside, _Am I laying on a rock?_ not to mention his back, _Yep, definitely a rock!_ Not understanding why a king's bed would be so uncomfortable, he decided to sit up. _Whoa! There's that headache again!_ The 'mighty king' rose to his feet, passed his hand over the doorknob, and entered the dark apartment. Afraid that turning on the lights would make his head ache more, he opted to wait and let his eyes adjust to the dim interior.

For some reason he could not remember anything. _Why was I laying on a rock outside the door? Did I pass out? Did I get too hot? I was really hungry, and royalty should never be deprived of food. Did I faint?_ Then, like molasses dripping from a tree trunk, he remembered…a laugh, a growl, hidden potential picking up speed not, bit's of conversation flew through his brain…'won't go easy on you,' 'deeper…much deeper,' 'you've got me hooked Parker,'

'your…alien constitution,' 'so you're addicted,' 'cute little buns,' 'oh Michael! The positions are endless!'

Max put his hands to his head, trying in vain to block out the endless tirade. _Liz and Michael? There's now way that…_ Suddenly his vision cleared, and he could make out a lump on the couch, which upon further inspection, was actually two lumps and although they were fast asleep, one could tell the two were locked in a passionate embrace.

Now, our freakishly large-eared alien 'king' did the only thing he knew to do…he screamed. I know, I really do know what you're thinking…it was a scream filled with rage and pain, a guttural basic instinct, but this, this can only be compared to…how shall I put this? Do you remember the movie Roger Rabbit? In the end, Judge Dread is sprayed with his own killer concoction, the 'DIP'. Or perhaps in The Wizard of OZ, when the Wicked Witch of the West was doused with water? In each of these scenarios, there were high pitched shrieks, bulging veins and protruding eyes, then melting. Well, all of that happened, but in this case, instead of a big puddle of goo for the janitors to clean up, there was just a neat little pile of dust.

Yes, Maxwell P. Evans imploded. His screams were heard for miles away. Only a select few knew that they weren't malfunctioning tornado sirens.

Liz and Michael were jolted from their sleep in just enough time to see the dust fall, followed immediately with Michaels reception of the Seal.

Diane and Philip had to be told of the existence of aliens, in order to explain the sudden disappearance. They took it pretty well, considering, and although they grieve for Max, they have closer to understanding his erratic behavior.

Isabel was understandably devastated, but somehow, I think my Buddha loving quasi brother will make the loss more bearable.

Now, I'm sure you're wondering why I bear all of this knowledge, why I got to tell his lovely little story. Well, due to some…reincarnated…former spouse-type, alien bond-thing, that I couldn't care less about, I became the recipient of our dearly departed boy-king's memories. Yep, that's me, bearer of the memories, keeper of the thoughts. Every nitty-gritty little detail of his last days, all given to me…at exactly the wrong moment! Yay me! Just when Alex and I were trying out something new, I get bombarded with his icky memories! Talk about 'killing the mood'!

So now you know how our 'king,' and I use that word very loosly, with the eyes of a dog, ears of an elephant, and brain of a chicken, left this life. I hope your questions have been answered. I'd love to stick around, but since Michael and Liz have already snuck away, I think I'll take my leave. Oooh! I think I hear Alex calling me. Bye!

fine


End file.
